I Was Betrayed and Humiliated.

Background

A woman in her early 40s,  a mother of four, when looking at the family computer, discovers an email from the woman her husband was having an affair with. Clearly, the husband wanted to get caught by leaving the e-mail open. That's another story we'll address at a different time, she comes to me for counseling, trying to figure out what to do. 

When I asked her what she was feeling, her response was clear: betrayal, humiliation, and profound loneliness. I guided her into a state of deep relaxation and asked her to share with me a story. When it was the first time that she felt this sense of betrayal and loneliness.  She shared memories from his childhood: she found out that her father was cheating on her mother. And to make things worse, the father used to humiliate the mother with different words and phrases.

Later on in life, whenever the father was upset with her, he would say: “you're just like your mother”. This young girl was taught by her parents that to be in a loving relationship requires to experience betrayal and humiliation. With that subconscious model of a loving-relationship, she entered into her marriage with someone who repeated these patterns.

The process

I ask her, if she had the chance, what would she say to her father? She tells me she has a lot to say to her father, but she would never say it. Either because of Kibud Av V”Em (respect to the parents), or she's scared of his response. 

I encouraged her to take out her phone and write that sentence, reassuring her that she could erase it later if she wished. She wrote: Abba, I deserve to be treated with respect. Then, I invited her to record herself saying the words aloud. Though hesitant, she agreed. Hearing her own voice stating her truth was powerful.

We repeated the process several times. She played the recording, listened to it, and allowed the words to resonate within her. Then, I suggested amplifying the experience by playing it through a speaker. She listened again, this time louder, letting the words become even more real and present in her life.

Part of this process is helping her reveal to herself her own truth. She knows it's true, Yet, as a child, she learned she's not allowed to live her truth. She has to live her parents' truth of betrayal and humiliation. So, she's written it down, which is one way of experiencing it. She's recorded it, It's another way of experiencing it.

That when we experience life, we experience life not only through our minds, in our hearts, but also in our body. So, I ask her, would she be willing to play the recording so she can actually hear it. She does. And then I ask her to play it again. She hears it again. Here, the process is hearing her own truth and letting that truth begin to exist in her body through her ears.  And she listens to it.

We listen to it again and again and again, allowing her truth to exist in the world for her to hear her truth. Now, I asked her, if she was ready to go to the next step? I asked her, "Which part of your body needs to hear this truth?" She replies, my chest.

I invite her to hold the speaker against her chest.  And then to replay the same sentence, again. But this time, not only  she is  hearing it, also the vibrations are vibrating into her body. Because when we experience life, we are only experiencing life through our minds and our emotions. We can experience it in our bodies as a vibration. 

After that intense session. She called to share that she had spoken to her father. She told him, “From now on, you will treat me with respect. If not, there will be consequences.” Her father initially resisted, saying, “You won’t talk to me that way.” She replied, “When you’re ready to treat me with respect, I’ll be here.”

The father decided not to speak to her for four months. After that time, he finally called and apologized to her, saying:”from now on, I will talk to you with respect”. 

Addressing the root of her feelings of betrayal and humiliation gave her the strength to confront her husband as well. While the affair was not the only issue—he was also struggling to earn a living and mistreating some of the children—she began to assert her needs clearly and confidently.

Over the next six months,  He found a job, improved his behavior towards their children, and repaired their relationship. Today, they share a loving and respectful marriage.