Learning to Allow Myself Space in My Life

Another gift that therapy gives us is helping us stop the habit of pleasing others.

Children learn if they please their parents, their parents are happy with them, smile at

them, praise them. As long as the parents are well-adjusted, this is a positive thing -

pleasing their parents is both normal and healthy.

When children go to school, they use the same strategy with their friends, thinking: “If I

please my friends then they will like me”. If the friends are well-adjusted, a healthy

friendship is formed. However, what happens a lot is that the child begins to believe that

the other child will only be their friend as long as they continue to please them. And

because they are just six years old, the child accepts not receiving the same effort in

return.

In school we tried to please our teachers and because of that we get praise from the

teachers.

What if we are exposed (as many children are) to teachers that aren't nice. Now the

child gets used to pleasing someone who is not nice to them.

So we can imagine together, that child grows up, married and decides to go to therapy

with their spouse. Because they are not happy and she complains that she is always

there for him but he is not there for her, it's very clear that she has been practicing

pleasing people for their whole life hoping that pleasing their spouse will create a

healthy and happy relationship. But she is miserable because he is not nice to her, he

does not appreciate her.

Meanwhile it could very well be that the husband has the same strategy of being people

pleaser; for him it means to be there for everyone else and he is not allowed to make

room in his life for himself. So he clean the house, helps with children, goes to shul, go

to work yet he is unhappy because he has no time to enjoy his life maybe going out

with friend or going to gym so he resents his wife who in his mind symbolizes the house

the children; this dynamic of being a people pleaser brings a lot of unhappiness in

people’s lives. In therapy, people learn how to say: “this is what i need”, “this is what I

like”, “this is how I will put up with”, “This is what I will not put up with”.

In therapy people learn how to put up boundaries, they learn that it's ok to create a

balance in their lives, between the responsibilities they have towards their families and

towards themselves; they learn that shalom bait does not mean that your partner can be

not nice, shalom bait does not means that your mother in law can say whatever she

wants.

The tragedy is that sitting in front of me is a couple who works who have kids who are in

their 40’s yet they don't know that sitting in front of me are 2 children around 5 or 6 who

are still trying to please people and it's just not working.

Another aspect of this gift “the ability to stop pleasing people” is beginning to listen to

my body. At the same time, I need to be there for my partner, my children which also

means that if I'm tired I'm going to drink coffee, if I'm tired I'm going to eat chocolate

which means since I want so much to please others it's ok to not be nice to my body.

For example, in therapy we learn to invest in my children’s extra activities (huggim) and

also ok to invest in things that I enjoy.

At the same time if I'm a good father I will spend time and money so my children will

succeed, the price I pay is being tired and deflated. Therapy helps people find the

balance so when the children need their parents, they are full of life and energy either

because they have a chance to rest or because they took the time making healthy

meals or because they spend time drawing, painting, reading and then the child gets

their parents full of life and inspiration.