Protecting my Children

Background.

A father of two children came to me. He's upset because when his wife is unhappy with

the children, she gets angry and yells at them, and he feels that there's nothing he can

do to intervene.

I asked him, how does that feel? -That feeling that there's nothing to do. He said. It feels

weak, I feel weak.

So I offered two possibilities: (1) you were born weak. That's just the way you came to

the world. Or (2) he had learned to be weak. I asked which he believed to be true, he

replied, “I learned how to be weak.”

“Who taught you to be weak?” I asked.

He responded: my mom taught me. And then he shared a memory: My father would

come home from work, and he was angry, and he was tired. And sometimes, he didn't

talk very nicely. And my mother just went along with it. She never put up a fight.

The new thought

Here, we introduce the technique of the new thought. And the question is, what is the

new thought? by finding and focusing on a single empowering thought, he could begin

to change the situation.

I asked him to close his eyes and to spend some time searching for this new thought

—the one that would give him strength and clarity. After a while, he said, I'm not a very

strong person, but I really want to protect my children. & "When I think about how much I

want to protect them, I start to feel strong.”

This becomes the focus of our conversation.

Imagining Change

I guided him to imagine that he is witnessing his wife yelling at the children. I asked him

to describe what he saw. He explained that the children looked scared, frightened by

the anger directed at them.

“As the father, what do you want to do at that moment?” I asked.

He replied: “I want to protect my children.”

In his imagination, he saw himself stepping in and standing between his wife and the

children. I asked him, “If you could use one word to create change, what would it be?”

He answered, “Stop.”

I invited to role-play this scenario in his mind. He imagined himself saying the word

“stop,” at first softly, then louder and more firmly, until he felt the full force of his desire

to protect his children.

“What happens when you come from this place of protection?” I asked.

He said, “I see myself telling my wife, ‘Stop. We need to find a better way to talk to the

kids. They’re not always going to listen, but yelling isn’t the answer.’”

Strategies for Change

We discussed practical strategies he could use to implement this new approach:

1. Family Meetings

We discussed the idea of holding family meetings, where the four of them could talk

openly about what they were happy with and what wasn’t working. These meetings

would provide a structured space to address recurring issues like cleaning, laundry, and

other household tensions. Having a family meeting once a month or once every six

weeks to talk about how things are going is a winning strategy and could create an

environment of communication and collaboration.

2. Connecting Couple Strategy

Another strategy, which is a fun strategy, where the couple connects in a more relaxed

setting: a walk, a movie, a coffee. And in this more relaxed and enjoyable time, he

discusses with her the necessity of a change, saying: “I understand it's difficult and the

children need to listen to you”.

This strategy, a fun strategy, is also a winning one, because people are more open to

hearing difficult truths in a calm, neutral environment rather than in the heat of the

moment.

To sum up, I asked him to identify the one thought that would drive him to take action.

He replied: I'm just going to focus on the fact that I want to protect my children more

than anything else in the world”.

And sure enough, by focusing on this thought (to protect his children), he found the

courage to begin conversations with his wife. They started holding family meetings, and

slowly, the atmosphere in their home began to shift. There was more communication

and far less yelling.

Through his determination to protect his children, this father discovered his own inner

strength and began creating a more peaceful and supportive family environment.