I learned how to stop appeasing people.

Background

A mother comes to me and shares that she can't control her children; she said she felt

powerless to discipline her children because every time she told them to do something,

her husband would criticize her and take their side. As a result, the children didn’t listen

to her, and whenever they were unhappy with her, they would run to their father for

support.

As we discussed her situation, she told me that she feels like she constantly needs to

appease her children. She needs to appease her husband. And I asked her, what does

that feel like? And she said the feeling was fear.

I guided her into a state of deep relaxation, inviting her subconscious to lead us to the

first time she ever felt the need to appease someone. What emerged was a story from

her childhood involving her mother.

She recalled sitting at the breakfast table as a five-year-old, eating yogurt. Her mother,

without yogurt herself, began licking her lips, like if she wanted yogurt. So the little girl

asked, “Do you want some yogurt?” But instead of gratitude, her mother lashed out:

“What kind of mother do you think I am? Do you think I would take food out of my child’s

mouth? How could you think such a thing? What’s wrong with you?”

Clearly, this mother needs a lot of therapy. But meanwhile, this five-year-old grew up

thinking that if she could just work harder, take on more responsibilities, and deny her

own needs, maybe she could make her mother happy.

Sadly enough, no matter how hard she tried—whether at five, six, seven, or

older—there was nothing she could do to make her mother happy. This strategy of

appeasement made logical sense to a child craving love, but it simply didn’t work.

Now, as a mother of three she had unconsciously adopted the same strategy in her own

family., She believed that by appeasing her children and husband, she could earn their

love, respect, and cooperation. But just as it hadn’t worked with her mother, it wasn’t

working now.

How do we help her fix this? - The Path to change

I used the technique of imaginary time travel. While she's in a deep state of relaxation, I

invited to go back and spend time with this younger version of herself, giving her all the

love, support, and encouragement she had needed back then, in consequence she can

grow up to be a successful and confident woman.

The therapy is to spend as much time as she needs to help this young girl. In her

imagination, she spent as much time as necessary nurturing her younger self,

mentoring her, and sharing empowering messages:

➔ “It’s okay to have needs.”

➔ “It’s okay to take time to have fun.”

➔ “It’s okay to have your own opinion, even if others disagree.”

➔ “It’s okay to speak your mind.”

The lady visualized herself having conversations with her younger self. Where she

encourages the younger version to express her thoughts and feelings, both at school

and with friends. She keeps going back to her younger-self offering support until she

begins to feel there's a shift in the younger-self, until the younger self felt comfortable

sharing her thoughts and standing up for herself.

When the younger self finally felt confident and free to speak her mind, I asked the

woman how this felt. She responded, “It feels amazing. I feel happy that people are

willing to listen to me and consider my thoughts and feelings. I feel relieved that I no

longer have to spend all my energy trying to please others.”

Applying the Change

We then used the technique of time travel to the future, to a scenario when she asks

her children to do something. Coming from this confident place. In her imagination, she

told her husband, “This cannot continue. We need to talk and negotiate, but when I set

rules for the children, I need your support.”

She stands in this strength and assertively says: “These are the chores that need to be

done—folding laundry, taking out the garbage, washing dishes, and completing your

homework. If these things aren’t done, there will be consequences: no screen time, no

TV, no computer.”

She imagined herself speaking calmly but firmly, without fear or anger, and saw her

children responding to her new assertive tone.

This is essentially the end of this session. She reported back in the next session with

remarkable progress. She had called a family meeting and clearly outlined expectations

for her children, assigning chores and explaining the consequences of not completing

them.

When her children initially resisted, saying, “Abba doesn’t make us do this,” she calmly

replied, “You need to do it. If you don’t, there will be no screen time.” She stood her

ground without raising her voice, and to her surprise, her children began listening.

She shared that this shift in her approach had brought an incredible sense of relief. She

had let go of her fear and the compulsion to appease others. Now, she stood firmly in

her beliefs:

➔ “This is what I believe.”

➔ “This is what I think is right.”

➔ “Let’s figure out how to move forward together.”

By the end of our work, she had transitioned from a place of fear and appeasement to

one of strength and confidence—both as a mother and as a person.